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Okay, first let me say this: I love kids. I think they're freaking adorable and I want to flop out a few of my own some day. However, people should be banned from facebook from the time they find out that they're pregnant until the child is at least two years old. Some chick I haven't spoken to since 8th grade friend requested me a few months ago. I scrolled through her pictures, and judging from the dates of pictures she posted, things went in this order: College pictures, boyfriend pictures, ultrasound pictures, engagement ring pictures, wedding pictures with a huge baby bump under the dress, baby pictures two months later. I have no clue how she's going to finish college. This status update is the one that killed me: "Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were an hour old, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life! Put this on your status if you have children you love more than life itself!" I really want to put this in my status: "If you didn't get knocked up and have to drop out of college to get married, post this in your status! Life is awesome when you don't screw it up!" |
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Side-splitting 1 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147331 >Pram 77,359  40
03/29/2010 03:02 AM Well, you have to give them credit, at least their baby didn't die and they posted stillborn pictures of them dressed up like they're alive like these people did: NSFW This site's been around since before Facebook, but the parents seem to have discovered Facebooktoo... |
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Hilarious 6 votes 4.2 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147337 Cinderblock 27,352 24
03/29/2010 03:12 AM I'm about to, Taco. I already commented on her status: "No, but I do love my cat." She's just one of many people on facebook who never post unless it's status updates about her baby, pictures of her baby, videos of her baby, stories about her baby, or maybe conversing with other people about how cute her baby is and how cute the other person's baby is and maybe some time they could get together with their babies and then their babies could have babies and OH MY GOD SHUT UP. I understand that having a baby is a life-changing event and that every parent reacts with the same unfathomable amount of instant love and devotion for their child, but for Frost's sake, don't be so annoying about it. I KNOW that having a child changes your life, and that once you become a parent your life can never be the same and your world has to revolve around your child or else they'll grow up to be serial killers... but do you have to lose any trace of a personality that you might have had before? |
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Hilarious 2 votes 4.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147339 Madame KChiki 121,037 87
03/29/2010 03:14 AM but do you have to lose any trace of a personality that you might have had before? No. Someone please tell me if I've lost my personality. |
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Side-splitting 6 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147344 >Pram 77,359 40
03/29/2010 03:22 AM I don't want kids either. My housmates' friends and family have kids, and they bring them over every Sunday, and they jump straight up in the air and land with a bang, straight up in the air, crash, jump, crash, jump. Frost-ing obnoxious. I was trying to animate yesterday and thought I would grind my teeth into dust. IN FACT, my name comes from when I was working at a Safeway in 1996 and it was my turn to fix the trash compactor we had for produce. I pushed the button and it wouldn't go. Someone had thrown a baby carriage in it and it had gotten stuck. I had to climb in the smelly mother-Froster and wedge the buggy out with a piece of wood. Then, of course, I threw the thing back in and let the compactor eat it. Been Pram Maven ever since. |
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Funny 8 votes 3.9 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147346 Cinderblock 27,352 24
03/29/2010 03:25 AM Did you check to see if there was a baby in it first? Nah, I wouldn't have, either. |
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Hilarious 8 votes 4.5 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147379 Rock Lobster. Just Rock Lobster. 17,199 28
03/29/2010 05:35 AM I don't have any pictures of Lobster Jr up on the internets. Unless I photoshop over her face first. I know how annoying I was when I was pregnant, so I try not to bore you all with stories of my kid now that she's here. She does do amazing things every day, but I just call my mom or my grandma and tell them and then I'm over it. I'm only online now if she's asleep, because I can't be productive and run a vacuum or anything. But I do love her. And I don't think I've lost much about my personality since she was born. I mean, I don't do things now because they affect someone other than me, but I am pretty sure i"m still me. And i don't let my kid run my life. But she is damn cute, don't you think? |
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Hilarious 14 votes 4.4 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147382 Alt+Ctrl+Ravos 61,615 20
03/29/2010 05:38 AM And I don't think I've lost much about my personality since she was born. It is hard to lose something you never had in the first place. |
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? 0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147386 Brad Poynter 33,877 47
03/29/2010 05:39 AM Nice Vasoline in the background. I just got the facebook interwebsite recently to see what this whole 21st century thing is about. Link in profile. |
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Hilarious 15 votes 4.5 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147387 Alt+Ctrl+Ravos 61,615 20
03/29/2010 05:40 AM Comedy. Site. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. |
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Hilarious 10 votes 4.3 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147394 MyComedyGoldTurnedGreen Jeen 41,252 49
03/29/2010 05:57 AM That is exactly it. If a person keeps their identity, parenthood is not annoying (to me). It's when their Friend: Hey Jean - how are you? Want to go for a hike or something soon? Sadly, I'm not exaggerating. I do NOT want children. Can you tell? I consider calls like the above to be "birth control". |
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Hilarious 15 votes 4.4 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147396 The Mailman 173,002 48
03/29/2010 06:11 AM She's just one of many people on facebook who never post unless it's status updates about her baby, pictures of her baby, videos of her baby, stories about her baby, or maybe conversing with other people about how cute her baby is Respond to every post she makes about her baby with a story or screenshot of your virtual salmon pet in FishWorld. |
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Side-splitting 1 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147399 Rock Lobster. Just Rock Lobster. 17,199 28
03/29/2010 06:16 AM Nice Vasoline in the background. It's really windy where we live and her cheeks (the ones on the face) get chapped. It's a preventative measure for when we go out for walks and stuff. |
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Side-splitting 1 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147413 >Pram 77,359 40
03/29/2010 06:47 AM Sadly, I'm not exaggerating. I do NOT want children. Can you tell? I consider calls like the above to be "birth control". In the future, you'll be able to customize your birth control. If I don't have any sales from my records, I'm going sell pictures of my face to print on condoms. Not on condom wrappers though, because the point of anyone looking at my pasty mug would prevent the sex from everhappening, which is the best form of birth control there is! |
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Funny 4 votes 3.7 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147416 Thank You, Zolton Bunny! 87,541 29
03/29/2010 06:55 AM I KNOW that having a child changes your life, and that once you become a parent your life can never be the same and your world has to revolve around your child or else... Hey, having cancer changes your life, too. But you don't see people posting pictures of that on their Facebook pages. Stingy Frosters. |
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Hilarious 4 votes 4.5 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147417 dinesh 24,601 15
03/29/2010 07:03 AM Dinesh is Jewish?! Not where it counts, baby. |
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Side-splitting 6 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147420 SHP 179,601 69
03/29/2010 07:23 AM Rock Lobster. Just Rock Lobster. 9,913 9 Comedy. Site. 03/29/2010 03:16 PM Nice Vasoline in the background. It's really windy where we live and her cheeks (the ones on the face) get chapped. It's a preventative measure for when we go out for walks and stuff. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. |
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Hilarious 3 votes 4.3 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147440 Cyco Christ died so you can sin 11,299 11
03/29/2010 08:17 AM If anyone is looking to destroy Facebook and needs help, count me in. My wife isn't as annoying as some of the examples, but she's a Frost-ing addict. We were on vacation in Chicago for the last 5 days and every waking moment that we weren't busy doing something, she was on the computer or updating her status on Facebook. I wouldn't have minded so much except she kept wanting to use my iPhone when I'm trying to do important Shakespeare like navigate downtown Chicago using Google maps, or watching porn on ifap.com. It actually made me glad that AT&T coverage sucks donkey balls, I couldn't get a signal in any of the museums so she actually had to pay attention to what was actually happening in front of her face. It's not a funny post, I know. I just Frost-ing hate Facebook. |
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Funny 6 votes 3.5 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147447 Filly - waxed 39,081 19
03/29/2010 08:54 AM It actually made me glad that AT&T coverage sucks donkey balls... Nuh uh! AT&T covers 97% of all Americans! Owen Wilson told me so! |
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Side-splitting 1 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147455 >Pram 77,359 40
03/29/2010 10:34 AM The SomethingAwful email war with a woman running one of those stillborn baby pages culminating in "stop overcrowding heaven with your poison womb" is still pretty much one of the best things ever. That's what I had in mind when I posted the first time in this thread. Zack's exact words were "your poison womb is making heaven too Frost-ing crowded". SA all the way!! This is my favorite article of all time from them. Terrorism is not funny, but making fun of badly done Flash sites about 9/11 is awesome. |
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Hilarious 8 votes 4.6 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147457 Cinderblock 27,352 24
03/29/2010 11:01 AM Honestly, it's not the kids that bother me. Remember that open letter that Phuc wrote last year to that snob in the ice cream shop? Yeah, I'm with Phuc. I know that, despite a parent's best efforts, kids might yell in public or emit odors that are not exactly lilac and french vanilla. That's just what kids are. I'm fine with that. My problem is with parents who are either 1: not involved in their kids lives at all, so that they don't gently correct problem behavior when necessary, or B: are TOO involved in their kids lives and think that I care that Braydon Jayden Haiden Ashton Madison rolled over for the first time today or weighs 14 pounds 4.5 ounces now. Seriously. Tell me when they're born, tell me if they're probably going to live to the age of 5, and tell me what their name is. After that, I don't want to hear about them on facebook. I'll ask you all kinds of crap at the Christmas party. III: Profit! |
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Side-splitting 5 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147459 Millie 116,654 28
03/29/2010 11:35 AM I don't mind the postings about babies as much as the religious people. You know, the ones who have status postings like "I am so glad Jesus loves me and my family! I'm blessed and Jesus loves all my Facebook friends!" I mean what kind of status is that? I'm happy that Jesus loves you and all that crap, but how is that a status? Does it change day by day? As for kids--the problem isn't the kids, it's their parents. When I see brats in public, they usually have parenst who are inattentive or Emersons (or both). The kid is crying because he or she is tired, frustrated, or...something. But guess what? The rest of us aren't immune to it like you are! Give the kid some attention and get it out of my range of hearing, please. Or the older kids who are running around like Lowe's (or Home Depot) is a playground. I pray for a forklift to run them over. How can you let your kid run around a place like that and not pay attention. Face it, most parents suck. On one hand, they want everyone to ooh and ahh over their kids, but on the other hand, they totally ignore them most of the time. And I tired of people with teenagers who do everything for their kids. I work with a couple of women who pretty much wait on their grown kids hand and foot, and complain about it. Hey, you made the monster, deal with it. Wow, I didn't realize my feelings were so strong. In a nutshell: religious freaks are more annoying than parents, but not by much. |
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Side-splitting 1 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147467 >Pram 77,359 40
03/29/2010 12:50 PM I've been led to consider a different path. a DEATHMATCH. Sorry Millie, those kids puked carrots all over you. You're still neat-o, though. |
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Hilarious 16 votes 4.2 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147487 Whistler P. McManus 182,925 42
03/29/2010 04:42 PM I love kids. Adore them (well, most of them, anyway). And I think the sun shines out of my own kids' asses. But I agree that there's a whole slew of people who are way too consumed with sharing everything about their kids with the world. So anyway, my oldest son, Eamon, got engaged over the weekend to his sweetheart Amanda, who is a dead ringer for Taylor Swift. And did I mention that he'll be graduating with his bachelors degree (with honors) this summer after only two years of study? And entering medical school* in September? but they arent as bad as new grandparents. In all liklihood, I'll be ZuGLive's first grandpa. Sy doesn't count. He's been gone for too long. *Real medical school. Not imaginary crustacean medical school. |
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Hilarious 13 votes 4.5 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147493 Nachos 57,465 23
03/29/2010 10:13 PM So anyway, my oldest son, Eamon, got engaged over the weekend to his sweetheart Amanda, who is a dead ringer for Taylor Swift. And did I mention that he'll be graduating with his bachelors degree (with honors) this summer after only two years of study? In all liklihood, I'll be ZuGLive's first grandpa. Sy doesn't count. He's been gone for too long. Making the assumption from the information above that Eamon is about 20, in all likelihood, you'll also be ZugLive's first grandpa that doesn't see his grandkids as his son didn't get any custody rights in the divorce proceedings. |
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Hilarious 7 votes 4.1 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147494 Nachos 57,465 23
03/29/2010 10:34 PM As for my views on the topics of this thread: Parents, just because you are biologically hard-wired to have warm fuzzy feelings for mewling, puking, spawn that happen to contain mutated versions of you and your partner's DNA does not mean that everyone else does. Also, people's tolerance for other people's genetic sproutings is again based on biological imperatives and sociological conventions to stop said children being bludgeoned to death every time they become a burden in social situations, thereby ensuring the survival of the species. In my opinion children should be raised in camps, thereby removing the burden from society and ensuring that there are equal opportunities for everyone regardless of race, gender and social background. |
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Hilarious 5 votes 4.4 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147497 Alt+Ctrl+Ravos 61,615 20
03/29/2010 11:09 PM Know what is even more annoying than parents on facebook? The people who don't actually have kids, but treat their pets like they were, and update us on every minute detail of the animal's existance. "Mr. Bigglesworth just ate some cat food, and is taking a nap! Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute!" Or the people who update their status every 12 seconds. |
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Funny 1 votes 3.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147529 Dropkick Brody 43,056 12
03/30/2010 01:00 AM I don't mind the postings about babies as much as the religious people. You know, the ones who have status postings like "I am so glad Jesus loves me and my family! I'm blessed and Jesus loves all my Facebook friends!" I mean what kind of status is that? I'm happy that Jesus loves you and all that crap, but how is that a status? Does it change day by day? Haha, agreed. I have blocked so many people who spout that all over my newsfeed. |
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Hilarious 7 votes 4.3 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147548 Cinderblock 27,352 24
03/30/2010 01:36 AM Oooh, well... something shiny does sound nice. I think that one of the problems is that women are automatically programmed to say "yes" in that situation. Srsly. I mean, I don't want to get married anytime soon, but when ex-bang partner mentioned it, I still got all fluttery. I told him he was being silly, but if he had actually gotten down on one knee and given me a ring, I probably would have screamed, said yes, and then five minutes later thought, "Wait, what the Frost am I doing? I'm not even old enough to drink yet! Frost. I need to start cheating on him now." My friend's little brother is a senior in high school, and apparently one of the girls (a junior) he goes to school with is pregnant and married. He said the wedding photos were gut-wrenchingly hilarious: a happy child bride with a big belly under her white dress, a beaming groom, and two sets of parents behind them with devastated expressions on their faces. |
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Hilarious 4 votes 4.2 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147554 Dropkick Brody 43,056 12
03/30/2010 01:44 AM When I was a kid I vividly remember watching television shows where the woman, when proposed to, said 'I'll have to think about it.' And that was okay. Now it seems that it's a YES or it means 'I don't love you.' But still.. The ring. |
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Funny 5 votes 3.8 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147562 The Mailman 173,002 48
03/30/2010 02:05 AM I'm a firm believer that children should be raised Spartan style. So what you're saying is, you like to see children running around naked? |
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Funny 8 votes 3.6 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054147691 Whistler P. McManus 182,925 42
03/30/2010 11:05 AM I know a woman who got married at 19 to a marginally employed musician who was an alcoholic and a drug addict. I'd say my kid and his girl are starting out a couple of steps ahead of |
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